Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
