i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
