I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
