and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
