you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
