Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
