Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
