you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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