At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
