what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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