The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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