Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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