I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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