just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
