Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
