It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
