I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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