Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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