...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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