My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
