This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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