It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
