the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
