i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
