I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
