Cold hands, warm shart.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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