Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
