I hate all girls vehemently.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
