They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I had to cum in my sink.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
