Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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