I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
