The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
