Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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