Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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