the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
4 words: hood of his car
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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