God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
