Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
