Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
