chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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