You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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