im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
