just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
