I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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