I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
