Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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