____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
