Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
