I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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