I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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