Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
